I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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