I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
