dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
