hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
