I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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