Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
