No stitches, just platelets and will power
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
