1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Randomize
