if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
im holly from the hills drunk
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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