hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Randomize
