I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
