I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
