I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
