Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
