I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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