i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
