can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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