I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
