How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
We named our party play list daddy issues
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
