I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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