a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
