my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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