Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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