if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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