just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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