I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
