Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
