his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
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