He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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