Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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