her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
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