It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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