I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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