my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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