she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
