So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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