we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
