if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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