On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
