My sheets look like a crime scene.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
