I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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