She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
