guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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