I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
