i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
