Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
