I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I am one with the molecules
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
