She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
