And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
