A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
